Tuesday, May 15, 2007

MindWeb

I'm embarrassed.
I've taken almost an entire month to allot some time to this blog, and yet I've thought about it almost every day. I've started numerous entries in my head, most of them at the wee hours of the night, when I've just finished another early AM nursing (the never-ending curse), and can't find my way back to dreamland despite my obvious exhaustion. Lately, I have felt like my brain is a web of superficial obsessions. Instead of reflecting on what is important in this world - my family, I seem to use precious free time to zone out in front of a fill-in-the-blank reality show, stress about work and finances, and think about all the ways I could lead a more creative lifestyle without accomplishing anything.

A diagram of Sarah's mind in written form - Focus, focus, focus - food... what can I cook? I have multiple cookbooks, which I love, and a Gourmet subscription, but all that is in the fridge is wilted cilantro, olives, and beets. Do I have the energy for a Coop shop? No. Thai take-out it is - again. Clothes ... I need new 'cool' clothes, but I have an issue with buying things that I don't REALLY need, yet my Lucky magazines inspire me to dress my outside like the 'artist' inside. I'm having difficulties with meshing my anti-materialistic side with the sucker for capitalism. Then I obsess and worry about the state of my home (usually a mess),and all the spring cleaning projects I can't complete that involve putting away winter clothes, weeding out my wardrobe, organizing closets, and doing something about the Sanford & Sons entry to our apartment. This is not even to mention how I want to improve the look and style of my home, finally graduating away from a futon couch (can you believe it? - I'm almost 35 and I've never owned a proper couch). I've got an unfinished scrapbook for Stella that sits in a box on my desk, a glaring reminder of my inadequacies at finishing projects. Speaking of - remember that business plan of mine? It's still going, but at a snail's pace and I'm losing steam and confidence in my ability to pull it off. I can't even go there now, because I feel so bad about my lack of perseverance. I don't understand why it is so very hard for me to complete what seem to be the simplest of errands that I do nothing - Almost 3 years have passed and I still have my wedding dress hanging in the closet, when it should be neatly packed in an acid-free and moth repellent box. What about my cell phone that hasn't had an address book for 8 months since it was mysteriously erased?
I think I spend far too much time day-dreaming about traveling and winning the lottery. I really just want to be a wandering hobo. That is my aspiration!
Of course, my zig-zagging brain isn't always creeping through futile alleys of superficiality. I also spend a lot of time pondering what I am doing with my life, going on nine years of being a travel agent, not owning a home, or even a car, living in New York, one of the most expensive cities in the U.S., and questioning the impact of my parenting choices.

I started this blog after falling in love with the writing of so many others, and wanting an outlet for my inner thoughts and opinions. I really want this to be a place to reflect and comment on life, without turning into a laundry list of mundane events. My desire is for this blog to speak for what I feel to be most important and to be a place of meaningful insight, which has ultimately crippled me. I feel that if I can't write anything of substance than I just shouldn't write at all, and this has led to a month of hiatus. I need to get back on that bike, and realize that there is merit to the most simple of entries and not put so much pressure on myself to conjure up pearls of wisdom every few days.

All of the above is my way of saying sorry for the absence, and I really want to be a part of this community and share.

4 Comments:

Blogger Swankyloma said...

I am happy to see you writing again. Sometimes when we are so busy living life we forget or are fearful to slow down a bit and reflect through creative pursuits. Writing is an excellent way of sharing, working through and documenting history and future endeavors. I enjoy reading what you write whether it is profound or seemingly not. You are my sister and I care about what you are experiencing.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Reino said...

You are a woman that wears many hats my dear! If you choose to wear your beret for a week, so be it! Sounds like right now you feel the need to wear your rain gear. My advice, Go soak in the tub. Light some candles, put on some carribean music, drink a glass of red wine, and reconnect with your own soul. The world will still be here when you return ;p

6:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Soooo glad you are BACK! Whoooo, it has been spring tooooo long.:0)D

11:50 PM  
Blogger Linda Mar said...

I know just how you feel! I, too, seem to sit at my computer and think of all the things I need to do, yet never muster the energy to do them. And I don't even have a child or husband! But I can sit here for hours, inert.

Sometimes I wonder if those Lucky magazines are a hindrance or a help. I also love persuing the pages, thinking of how I can project my best self, but when I end up putting on the same old Old Navy cargo pants I've had for years every morning, I somehow feel defeated. Did you know Lucky has a sister magazine, Domino, that's all about home decorating? I love that magazine, too, but now I feel like I have two ideals to try to live up to! Home decor has been my obsession for the past month, ever since I moved to my own place up here in Portland. I just bought my first couch a month ago--and I'm almost 36!

11:25 AM  

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