Friday, November 30, 2007

Ghost Images

There has been an absence of photos on my blog lately, and being a visual person, I regret this. My husband and I also have a site at PBASE where we haven't posted a photo since June! This bothers me even more. The reason for our lack of updates has more to do with computer problems than procrastination (I think). We have an Apple laptop, which was greatly loved, but should now be chucked out the window for all the problems we've had. Dan's had to back-up all our data on a separate hard drive several times in an attempt to correct the inefficiency and downright failure to operate that has plagued our Mac. It has gotten to the point where the darn thing runs so slow, that we can't work on our photo collection without fear of losing everything. We do have two other 'work' computers, but this is not where we keep any personal information. If I insist on a photo or two to include on my blog, or email to a friend, my husband has to try and make a CD from our laptop for this sole purpose. What a freaking hassle! In fact, now that it is so complicated to store photos without fear of loss, we've been taking less and less shots, and have a memory card in our camera that is near empty. We went from taking about ten photos an hour of Stella's every nuanced expression to maybe ten a month. Our little girl has got to be more interesting now than when she was a blob of a newborn, lying on a blanket, but you wouldn't know that from our recent photo history.

I have a good friend in Buenos Aires who pointed out that she hasn't seen any photos of me pregnant, and is really curious to see how I look. I realized that even if I begged by husband to create another disc with a pregnant photo, so that I could email her an image of my progress, that there would be no photo to copy! IF there is a pregnant Sarah photo, this is most certainly not the focal point of the picture, and I am probably sitting down or blocked by Stella, looking the same as always.

With my first pregnancy, every day was spent marveling at the changes my body was going through. We documented the growth of my bump every few weeks, and obsessed over the physical differences. Stella will have a visual history of her gestation, and how she and her Mama commingled their blood, and an alien-like place in space.

Besides the images of my pregnancy that she will be able to peruse, we also have copious photos of her literal entrance into the world (photos and a video that I emphatically avoid looking at). In comparison, what legacy have I left for my son? I am at the beginning of my third trimester, with no baby book or photo journal in progress. This baby is being jipped before it is even born - already suffering the second child negligence so often discussed. I am guilty as charged, and need to make a conscious effort to pose soon, to carve out some private time to meditate about my little boy, and focus on his urgent kicks and pleas for recognition. I know you are there. I feel you all the time, doing somersaults in amniotic fluid. I touch my belly as if my hands are caressing your skin, sending you my love, deeply felt and desperate for your acknowledgement. Although there may not be a large photo trail to document our time as one, I can assure you that the bond between you and I is just as strong and unbreakable as it was with your sister. You are precious beyond words to me, and my heart aches to express this in fluttery kisses to your eyelids and cheek to cheek nuzzles. Forgive my lack of foresight and commitment to providing you with a tangible record of this period together, and let us console one another with the secret truth that memories and imagination are often more magical.


Anonymous reino said...

Do you know that commercial...I think it is singular wireless. They show everything made into bars. Well stack the scrapbooks from first born to last born and you will see the bars! I don't think there's a mother out there who isn't guilty Sarah!

It is all about time on your hands and energy. I will be 36 in five weeks, I have three kids, one is autistic and I do everything for him, my thyroid quit working, as did my husband (master's program for psyche) and I am exhausted! Where would I be without caffeine?

Just keep on going girl! You are not infoulable, you are human. Best yet, you are a loving and lovable woman, mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Memories are in the heart :)


2:23 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home